Recently, I was having a conversation with my wife and my brother-in-law about husbands fetching feminine products for their wives.  I think husbands’ trepidation about doing so is rather unjustified, considering that no one in the store will think the feminine products are for said husbands.  If anything, onlookers will be impressed.  But, as with everything, there are rules.

• Do not buy something else that you don’t need.  Buying something small and inocuous like gum, a magazine, or a candy bar just calls attention to the feminine product and to you, the purchaser.  It sends the signal, "I don’t want to be here, and I’m trying to cover it up."
• Do not buy something manly (beef jerky, for example) with the feminine product.  It sends the signal, "I am uncomfortable with my masculinity.  Buying this feminine product confirms my belief that everyone thinks I am too feminine.
• If you need to go grocery shopping, then you may buy the feminine product with other food items.  You must do so in a grocery store, though.  Remember: no one buys food in large amounts at drug stores.  Stocking up on grocery items at a drug store when buying a feminine product sends the signal, "I am not only insecure with my masculinity, but I am also fiscally irresponsible because I am willing to pay inflated prices for groceries to cover up said insecurity."
• Ask which brand/style of feminine product to purchase.  You don’t know, though you may think you do.  Trust me.
• Do not grab the first package you see.  No one will broadcast your presence in the feminine products aisle.  Take your time.  If you come back with the wrong product, you will surely be sent back.

I’ve been thinking lately about how writers often reveal their subconscious insecurities in their works.  I remember reading that Alfred Hitchcock was falsely accused by a police officer when young and therefore featured many "presumed guilty" plotlines in his films.  Whether intentional or not, Hitchcock’s view of the police force showed through; I didn’t think it necessarily a bad thing, though, because, for all I know, it might have been intentional.  Then I heard that he featured the most beautiful actresses in his films because he was so insecure about his own appearance (or something to that effect–please do not quote me).  I doubted he would have liked that pointed out to him.  I started to notice other such revelations in literature, most notably Joyce’s whore/Madonna portrayal of all women characters in Portrait.  Though Joyce proclaimed freedom in his novel from the oppressive Catholic Church (or, as he puts it, the catholic religion),* he still fell prey to the worst heresies of sexual ethics of his time.  Once I realized how prevelant this trend toward unknowing self-revelation was, I became paranoid about my writing.  Would I reveal my weaknesses through my own writing?  What about views I didn’t want put on display?  Eventually, I recognized that there exists a certain advantage to unknowing self-revelation, if the writer knows how to use it.

Before I was paranoid about revealing too much, I was paranoid about revealing too little.  I had things I wanted to say because no one else was saying them.  I felt uniquely qualified to say these things, so I tended to overemphasize the things I really, really wanted to say.  Then I read Flannery O’Connor and Walker Percy, and I thought a bit more about self-revelation.  O’Connor and Percy had distinctive worldviews (namely, Catholic worldviews) that showed through in all of their works.  O’Connor’s grotesque imagery of ordinary people leading ordinary lives showed her view that the world is broken down nearly beyond repair, and Percy’s layered cynicism showed his doubt that secular society can save itself.**  I learned from my ruminations on these two authors’ work and on the revealed inner demons of Joyce and Hitchcock that both the writer’s worldview and the writer’s flaws show through in any given work.  If one tries too hard to combat or emphasize either, one either highlights the faults or reduces the impact of the worldview.  I realized that my worldview, like those of O’Connor and Percy, is unique and will exist in my own writing, along with the flaws I’d rather not admit to.  In the end, though, I’m satisfied with the trade-off, because maybe both my worldview and my flaws will help someone else form a worldview or work out their own flaws.

*Query: Is that choice in capitalization a legitimate convention of the time, or did Joyce put it in to emphasize his breaking-away?  My inclination is that he’s using French capitilization, but I’m not sure.

**Awful oversimplifications, I know, but brevity prevails over completeness in this case.

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I  don’t have to write this post, and I don’t get paid for it.

I think a great many writers are lost.  They have skills, but they don’t know how to use them.  English degrees are looked down upon by many in business and academic jobs are drying up.  I think any of these writers should consider a career in medical writing, and they should join the American Medical Writers Association.

 The distinguishing feature of AMWA is collegiality.  Nowhere have I met such a pleasant group of people than my fellow AMWA members attending the association’s annual conference.  Everyone I met (and I do mean everyone) was nice, open, and welcoming.  They did not look down upon me because I had "trainee" in my job title and they did not scoff at my lowly (but comfortable) position on the corporate totem pole.  They showed me the ropes, told me what to avoid and what to do.  They even helped my wife out, though they profited nothing by doing so.  The advantage of such a group is that the beginner can learn a great deal  in a short amount of time.  Since everyone is so willing to share, much anecdotal and practical advice can be assimilated in a short period of time.

The educational opportunities are also second to none (I do not say that expression lightly).  The workshops, taught entirely by volunteers, are both informative and pragmatic.  They focus on what the writer needs to know, rather than delving into controversies or ridiculous theories.  Open sessions and lectures–whether at conferences or chapter meetings–are equally valuable in providing current insider information into medical writing.

Joining AMWA was perhaps the best decision of my career.  I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I know I’ll always give back in appreciation for what AMWA has given me. 

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So I finally finished Dave Eggers’s A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and, not knowing much about him at all (the book lingered on my shelf for several years) googled him.  I found the glorius McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.  I was amazed, but not terribly surprised, to find that both Nick Hornby and Michael Chabon* were charter members of the McSweeney’s group.  My favorite part of the site, though, was a short essay (for lack of a better word) describing "Feedback from James Joyce’s Submission of Ulysses** to His Creative Writing Workshop."  The whole thing’s good, but one comment touched a special cord.

Show us how these characters process memory, language, abstractions, and the urban landscape through stream of consciousness, don’t just tell us.

I heard this comment said repeatedly in every creative writing workshop I was a part of.  It’s not so much that the professors emphasized it often, but that they emphasized it once and all the students jumped on it like a golden nugget of knowledge.  I think anyone with decent writing skills knows that a certain amount of exposition and inner thought can go a long way (in Joyce’s case, much longer than most).  Yes, many writers need to learn to speak with details, but it’s not necessary to wholly eliminate thoughts and feelings.

I think my experience is colored by my writing style, though.  I tend to be an expository writer, even in my fiction.  Maybe that’s why I tend toward meta-fiction–I like ideas explored in long-hand rather than in short, precise details.  I don’t know.  This little comment made me think, though, even though it was meant for a cheap English-major laugh.   

*Hornby and Chabon would probably be among my favorites if I read more of their books.  I’ve only read two of Hornby’s–About a Boy and How to Be Good and one of Chabon’s–The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay.  I found the two authors to be entertaining writers, although in different ways.  Horby moves at the speed of thought and I devoured both of his books in a couple hours.  Chabon’s novel is fast, but panoramic–I was only able to finish it on my second attempt.

**Full disclosure: I have not read Ulysses.  It was at the end of a reading list I attempted once upon a time,  but I got stuck on the list and have not returned to it.  When I do, I think I’ll axe Pynchon from the list altogether, as I absolutely dragged myself through The Crying of Lot 49.  I thought that damn play would never end.  Anyway, though I have not read Ulysses, I have your typical English major anecdotal knowledge of the novel.

• No, you cannot complain that your entire apartment is furnished with particle-board constructed Ikea furniture.  You were the idiot who got the English degree,  while your high school friends all went to business school and are driving BMWs.  Get over it.
• You may know the inner workings of Joyce’s fragmented narratives, but you don’t know jack about making furniture.  Read the instructions.
• While it may be tempting to pay the extra for someone else to assemble your furniture, you must realize that you don’t have extra cash because, well…alright, we’ve covered that.
• You do not need an electric drill.  Stop yourself from going to Target.  Stop.  You have a screwdriver, and that is enough.  You may be a wuss, but you can do this.  I promise.  Ikea furniture was built with wusses in mind.
• Remember that you bought Ikea furniture, and Ikea furniture features components obtained on the cheap.  The screws are, most likely, useless.  If simply using the screwdriver on the screw scrapes the plating off the top of the screw until it cannot be turned, then you must take it out and go to Home Depot.
• Do not, under any circumstances, try to hammer in a screw.  The Swedes at Ikea said to use a screw, not a hammer, and they said so for a reason.  Hammering a screw might give you the satisfaction of hitting the cause of your frustration, but it will do little else.
• Home Depot was not assembled with people like you in mind, although the staff understands if you don’t know a wood screw from…well…another type of screw.  Take the screw(s) you need with you.  Show the screw(s) to the nearest Home Depot employee, and ask all the stupid questions you must to ensure that you are buying the right tools.  If the Home Depot employee is rude and looks at you as if you are the dumbest person he or she has ever encountered, then take down their name and write it, along with a physical description, on the user survey website.  The offending employee will be punished, I promise.
• Grunting is not necessary.  Neither is yelling at the furniture or swearing at it under your breath.
• Your spouse will be impressed if you make the furniture look like the models on display at the store.  Other people may not be impressed, but your spouse will, because your spouse knows how much you hate manual labor.

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I know some people who will have fun with this editorial (via Bill).  It’s very informative.  For example, did you know any of the following?

• "[The Vatican] is working both legally and criminally on behalf of a movement, the goal of which is to bring as many Mexicans into America as possible so as to eventually take over a large chunk of our nation for Mexico. This multifaceted movement, made up of radical organizations such as La Raza (The Race), Aztlan, and MEChA, is called Reconquista (Reconquest)."
• "The pope and his henchmen are looking to turn America, founded and still a Protestant country, into a Roman Catholic country…The Roman Catholic Church is determined to turn Protestant America into a Roman Catholic country, and her best bet to do that is to bring as many Catholics into our nation as possible."
•  "The bishops and their comrades in crime are sparing no expense or effort to influence every strata and institution of American culture. Reading the material which the Justice for Immigrants campaign has produced for distribution to school children is reminiscent of the propaganda used by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network for the same purpose!"
• "Of course, the quote from John Paul takes us back to my claim that the leadership of the Catholic church is so very concerned about the "human rights" of illegals because those illegals not only add numbers to the pope’s flock but also spread Romanism in America."  [I'm so glad that "Romanism" is back in vogue.  I've missed it.]
• And my favorite: "Of course, the Catholic bishops are the generals in the offensive against America’s sovereignty, security, and Protestant identity."

Seriously.  Most of the Protestants I know do not think that America is Protestant enough.  But the threat, in their view, is not "Romanism" but worldliness.  Am I wrong?
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